Looking back, I don't know what made life seem overwhelming. Record heat certainly makes everything harder. To stand in the kitchen washing dishes with sweat running into the eyes is, presumably, something many Thai and Indonesians experience regularly, but it isn't easy to get acclimated.
I cried to the Lord, and although my answer didn't come instantaneously, it did come.
First, as I drove with isaiah to the ER, I thought about how much worse his injury could have been. (The story I've since heard is that he and Abraham were playing Cops and Robbers on the roof of the truck in the gathering gloom, when Isaiah lost his balance and fell on his back on the ground, cutting his foot on some trim. For the record, this was not a parent-approved activity, and they have been reminded not to play on the roof of the truck multiple times before this accident.) The fact that Isaiah emerged with no broken bones is a huge blessing.
In light of that, a few dead chickens and chicks is not that big of a deal. Still sad, but compared with a paralysis that didn't happen: there is much to be thankful for.
And, too, I realized that I had been dealing with an almost catatonic bull calf until, literally, right before Isaiah fell. Had he been injured even ten minutes earlier, I would have had to leave the baby before I felt that I had done all I could. Leave a very ill baby to attend a very injured child: horrible. So even the timing felt like God's provision.
***
This wasn't actually enough to make me feel happy to be on the farm. On Wednesday, I picked up the latest issue of Countryside & Small Stock Journal, a magazine that caters to homesteaders. I usually read from back to front, and came across the title "Chickens and goats are spiritual teachers," which didn't much appeal to me since I strongly dislike goats and was a bit put out with the chickens. Who wants to read what some New Ager has to say about an animal I dislike?
I was turning the page when the opening quote, "Written by a guy named James about 2000 years ago" stopped me.
Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
It was exactly what I needed: the larger picture. I'm not here because I want the most thrilling life or the most interesting story about the most horrific day. I am here growing in character. Author Andrew Walter Allen had more to say that challenged and encouraged me.
[T]he path I am on in life is a path of peace and of surrender to God. I really do want to grow in the things of the love, and I figure patience is one of the huge ones. Consequently, I realize that tending various animals is a wonderful test of character for me. ... I figure I truly do have the peace that passes understanding deep within me, there have just been times (a lot of times) that I have forgotten the truth and subsequently acted like a baby throwing a temper tantrum to get my way.
As I went down to try to milk Fern throughout the day yesterday, I would tell myself, "I have the peace that passes understanding." And as scary as she acted at times, I knew I had peace.
***
The third encouragement came from Denise. Before she began to look after her elderly parents full time, she had been a Hospice nurse. She said that some days were incredible, when she knew that she had had a divine appointment to be where she was. And some days were devastating, when things didn't go well. (And in terminal sickness and death, things don't always go well.)
She has chickens and goats and a garden, and said today that as she was picking up her broody hen's eggs, half of which were unfertilized and rotten, and the other half that had been left by the hen so that the babies all died: "What a lot of imperfection there is in nature! I feel like the same deep emotions I had as a Hospice nurse are playing out in my backyard. I am so impressed that you can manage it."
It was a validation that I needed. I think I had started to blame myself for being discouraged, rather than acknowledging that there are hard things and being okay with the attendant emotions. To have someone else, also from the suburbs, acknowledge that she struggles with the high highs and low lows of a rural life was another boost I received gladly.
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