Fear on All Fronts

Right after breakfast, the three younger boys ran out to see the puppies. Phil found them a bit later, moving them around and talking for them, as if they were dolls: "Hi, my name is Socks!"

He said it was adorable, but probably not the best for day old puppies, so he shooed them out.

I learned how to sex puppies. We have six boys and three girls (which actually made me feel better: when we had a pile of about six yesterday during delivery, I picked them up and looked at them, and they all looked the same. I was appalled at my lack of observation skills. Considering I could have picked up the same one more than once, and only picked up maybe five, I certainly could have seen only male parts the whole time).

The father is, by appearance, an American Boxer, so Phil was hoping for the brindle coloring. But they are all a glossy black.

I am happy they are in the motor home and not in the house trailer. They peep all the time they aren't fast asleep or nursing. It sounds a bit too much like baby cries; a little unsettling.

Phil and Jadon spent half the day surveying. I helped at times, and also spent some time taking down fencing. I was amazed at how wimpy I have grown: the 16' cattle panels felt quite heavy, and I didn't get much accomplished on that project.

Yesterday, I took my few osage orange seeds, which I had soaked for a week, and put them in a jar with sandy soil from the spring and some compost, as per online instructions. We'll see if they sprout.

I also found a two-year-old bag of stinging nettle seeds. Stinging nettle is an excellent plant to use as a foliar spray, apparently: put the leaves in water, let it ferment for a time, then spray. I haven't yet found any stinging nettle growing wild on the property, so I'm trying to sprout my own. I sprinkled them on a flat of potting soil, then put them in the shower, to bask in the warmth that the puppies are enjoying in the motor home bathroom.

Will either of these work? We'll see!

The ground froze yesterday night, and Phil went down Monday morning to drive the truck up from the lower pasture. He didn't quite make it, getting stuck near the top of a steep slope. That afternoon, I tried to help him get the truck unstuck: he rigged a tow cable between tractor and truck, and I drove the tractor while he maneuvered the truck.

We got about twenty feet up slope, before the truck truly stopped. It was a unique experience for me: I would get the tractor moving forward, and the truck could jerk me back, just a bit.

I think the time last year that the steering wheel popped off in my hand has affected me. I felt physically ill before driving the tractor; afterwards, I trembled for a half hour. I tell myself it's not that scary, but it hasn't worked yet. I think the tractor is a bit too big for me: I have to sit on the edge of the seat to get the clutch depressed, and I don't think I've yet been able to set the parking brake, since I have a hard time stepping hard enough on the brake to set it. So I'm stuck in limbo until Phil comes to take over.

Really, I think this last year in general affected me. I feel fearful around the cows, always remembering that Fern got me on her horns. Today I went to check the bee's monitor tray under the hive, and there were enough bees circling that I opted not to. I was afraid of being stung! I've had my eye swell shut three times now, and it's always discombobulating. I don't look like myself for a week, and it's eerie to look in the mirror and not recognize the face.

I'm hoping to figure out how to function here with a healthy respect for the creatures and equipment, how to protect myself, and how not to live in fear.

I'm not even sure where to start.